How to Lose Money Like a Professional
Proven methods to underperform the market
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Want to destroy your portfolio with remarkable efficiency?
Perfect. You've come to the right place.
Today we're inverting Charlie Munger's famous advice to "invert, always invert" by creating the ultimate anti-guide to investing.
Because sometimes understanding what not to do is more valuable than knowing what to do.
PLEASE REMEMBER, THIS POST IS SATIRE AND NOT INVESTMENT ADVICE
The Guaranteed Path to Investment Disaster
Let's start with a simple truth: becoming wealthy slowly is boring.
Proper investing should feel like a casino, not a library.
If you're not constantly anxious about your positions, you're doing it wrong.
Ready to master the art of financial self-destruction?
Let's begin.
Step 1: Chase What's Hot Right Now
Only buy stocks after they've been featured on the cover of financial magazines.
If your barber, taxi driver, or neighbour's cat mentions an investment, that's your signal to go all-in immediately.
Buy whatever has gone up the most in the past six months.
That's called "momentum investing," and it sounds professional.
Wait for a stock to rise 300% before buying.
After all, it's clearly proven itself!
Perfect execution: Start each morning by asking, "What's trending on financial Twitter?"
Then mortgage your house to buy it before noon.
Step 2: Check Your Portfolio Every 17 Minutes
Set up price alerts for 0.5% movements in either direction.
This ensures you'll never miss an opportunity to panic.
Pro investors check their portfolios at least 40 times per day.
You should too.
Keep CNBC on in the background at all times. When the red numbers appear, feel free to scream.
The market is open for 6.5 hours, but you should think about it for all 24.
Top tip: Base your mood entirely on today's portfolio performance. If stocks are down, cancel dinner plans and snap at loved ones.
Step 3: Diversify Until You Own Everything
FOMO is your primary investment strategy.
If it exists, you should own it.
Aim for at least 300 different positions. This way, you'll never notice when something performs exceptionally well.
Understanding your investments is overrated. Just look at the logo—if it's pretty, buy it.
Concentration is for people who know what they're doing. Are you one of them?
Didn't think so.
Pro tip: If you can still name all the companies you own, you're not diversified enough.
Step 4: Trade, Don't Invest
Make at least 15 trades per day.
That's what professionals do.
Holding periods are for the weak.
If you've owned a stock for more than a week, you're practically married to it.
Remember: investing isn't about owning wonderful businesses. It's about catching 3% moves and paying your broker's children's university fees.
Winning strategy: Find a stock you like, buy it, sell it within three days, then watch it appreciate for the next decade while telling everyone it was "too volatile" for your taste.
Step 5: Borrow the Maximum Possible
Margin is basically free money.
Use all of it.
If your broker only lets you borrow 50% of your account value, find one that offers 90%.
Only amateurs invest with their own money. Sophisticated investors use at least 5x leverage.
Debt is just future wealth that's impatient to arrive.
Pro tip: Structure your finances so a routine 20% market correction results in complete financial ruin. That's what we call "skin in the game."
Step 6: Avoid Learning From Mistakes
When you lose money, blame market manipulation or hedge funds.
If a stock drops 30%, double down immediately.
It's on sale!
Never keep an investment journal. History is for academics, and you're a market warrior.
The best investors never admit mistakes—they just find new tickers.
Remember: The market is always wrong. Your instincts are always right. Especially after five pints.
The Grand Finale: Ignore All Wisdom
Now that you've mastered the art of portfolio immolation, there's one final step to ensure complete financial ruin: ignore centuries of investment wisdom.
Dismiss Buffett as "outdated."
Mock Graham's margin of safety as "too conservative."
Laugh at Munger's multidisciplinary thinking.
Roll your eyes at Marks' warnings about market cycles.
After all, what did any of those billionaires know about making money?
If you can successfully do all of the steps above, we can almost guarantee you awful returns.
We hope you liked this post. Doing the exact opposite of everything above is a surprisingly solid investment strategy.
Remember, invert, always invert.
Until next Wednesday,
Dom
Schwar Capital
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Disclaimer: The content provided in this newsletter is for informational purposes only and does not constitute financial, investment, or other professional advice. The opinions expressed here are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Schwar Capital. Investing involves risk, including the possible loss of principal. Past performance is not indicative of future results. The author may or may not hold positions in the stocks or other financial instruments mentioned. Always do your own research or consult with a qualified financial advisor before making any investment decisions. To read our full disclaimer, click here.
This one is a complete Breath of Fresh Air. Particularly the Five Pint Rule! I would write more, but I gotta check my “Investments” Errrrrr….Lottery Tickets
This one was very good!